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Rule #7 -
Deal In The Present And Not In The Past.
A man complained to the family counsellor that his wife
becomes historical each time they get into a disagreement.
The counsellor said the word was “Hysterical”, to which the
man replied, “No, she brings up my past every time we
disagree about something.”
The past must be left in the past, but that is impossible
unless the past has been dealt with effectively.
“There is a thin line between being open and honest, and
garbage dumping. There is a difference between confession
and openness.”
1. Let’s
be open and honest. “Even though it may be hard to forgive
your spouse, not forgiving can cause more harm both
emotionally and physically to yourself and to your marriage.
Holding a grudge is letting someone else live in your head
rent free.”
A couple starts up with a clean slate. They have both dealt
with any and all skeletons and have nothing to hide from
each other. There are no surprises except the little
annoying unexpected ones. These too, must be addressed in a
kind and gentle way, unless the annoyance is not a concern.
Sometimes, it is better to leave things of no consequence
alone. A good rule is to ask yourself, “what difference will
this make five years later?”
When a failure or sinful action has overtaken a spouse,
early confession and restitution is of the utmost
importance. Forgiveness must be sought and granted as early
as possible. Sometimes, forgives is hard to give when one’s
emotions and trust have been challenged, but the command is
to forgive regardless of the feelings involved. To forgive
is to wipe the slate clear and never bring it up again to
your spouse, your friends or yourself. To rehash is to keep
the feelings alive and make it impossible to forget.
2. Do
not dump garbage at your spouse. Our tendency is to connect
each action with a former
action. When we confess to God as in 1 John 1:9, He does not
remind us of our past confessions and repentances. He is
faithful and just to forgive us of all sins and cleanse from
all unrighteousness. Peter asked Jesus Christ how often one
should forgive and Jesus said 70X7. The idea is that we
don’t keep records of how often we forgive, we just forgive
because it is the right thing to do.
Will the other person ever learn if we continue to forgive,
or will they just keep doing wrong? How is our relationship
with God? Does He teach us lessons before He forgives, or
does He forgive when we sincerely ask? God forgives the
penitent heart. We don’t even know whether the heart of our
spouse is disingenuous or sincere. We only know that
forgiveness has been sought and we must forgive. None of us
is discerning enough to know the heart of another and
therefore, we can only act on open relationships.
When forgiveness has been extended, bury the action and
forget it ever happened. Do not remind yourself or others.
It is gone. Don’t revive it. |
